Episode 70 - You Already Know What To Do: Let's Question What Is Holding You Back

In this episode of Three Questions, I follow up on last week's conversation about stress by digging into the habits, routines, and beliefs we cling to, even when they seem to conflict with our goals. Instead of asking you to become a completely different person overnight, I challenge you to get radically honest about what you aren't willing to change, why you're protecting it, and how one simple shift can still move you forward.

In This Episode You'll Hear:

• Why your brain naturally prefers familiar routines, even when they aren't serving you
• The surprising research behind how long habits actually take to form
• How to choose accountability that motivates instead of creates resentment

If you've ever felt stuck between the life you have and the life you're trying to build, this episode offers a more realistic and more compassionate way forward.

Links & Resources For This Episode:
Episode 69 - Stress Is Undefeated, Your Body Doesn't Have to Be
Episode 62 - What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?
Episode 28 - Weight Loss: What the Billion-Dollar Industry Doesn’t Want You Questioning
Find a Neuro Studio Teacher Near You
Connect with me on Instagram
Connect with me on Threads

Transcript

Meghann Koppele Duffy: Welcome to Three Questions, where critical thinking is king and my opinions and research are only here to support your learning and understanding. Hey, I'm your host, Meghann, and I am so honored you clicked on Three Questions today. So we're gonna have kind of a follow-up discussion from last week's episode.

Now, if you didn't listen to last week's episode, well, where have you been? Go back and listen to that as I give you some strategies very different to what you normally hear about dealing with stress. And the reason was, ah, stress isn't going anywhere. We all thrive off of stress, let's be honest. So I wanted to find some solutions that we could use in our body to help our body better handle the stress that we all come in contact with.

And what's interesting, and why I wanted to do a follow-up from that episode, is the conversations I've been having with students of mine, clients, friends, family, all of the above. And it's so funny because if we're all just super honest right now, there's so many things we want to do and we say we wanna do and set goals.

However, in the way of those goals are some things in our life that either we can't change, don't want to change, or really create some roadblocks. So today's episode, I really want us to be honest with ourselves because I think if we can all do that together, myself included, I think we can get a better handle on how we're dealing with stress, why we add more stress, and how to adapt when new stresses come in.

So let's get right into question one because I really feel like we know exactly what we wanna do and what we need, but something's holding us back. So question one: What are the things you don't want to change? What are some of the things in your life that you do not want to change, that feel like non-negotiable?

Just think about that right now. I know one right off the top of my head and I'm not gonna share you mine yet 'cause I want you to think about yours. Maybe it's you don't want to give up that extra time with your kids, or extra time with your partner, or extra time with your parents, or extra time by yourself.

Maybe you don't want to give up a job that you're passionate about. Maybe you don't want to give up being home with your kids because that's what you'd rather be doing. I think really identifying the things that we don't wanna change is critical, and there's even resch- research to support this. I mean, easy for me to say.

It's called the status quo bias. So wh- what this means is our brains are pretty much wired to prefer what's familiar over what's necessarily beneficial. Okay? So for me, for example, what's more familiar to me is ordering on DoorDash and asking Brian where he wants to order from, rather than me having to figure out what I'm gonna cook for dinner.

Okay? I prefer the familiar over what's beneficial. Now, it would be so much beneficial to my health and my wellbeing if I just cook dinner. However, we're not even looking at the difficulty of the cooking. But it's more familiar for me to go over on the couch, get my computer out, look at all the emails I have to respond to, all the student questions I have to respond to, decide what we wanna eat, and then take the time between DoorDash is ordered and DoorDash arrives for me to do all that email work.

It's familiar. What about you? People'll be like, "Oh, if you wanna get stronger or lose weight, X, Y, or Z, just wake up 30 minutes earlier and work out in the morning." But what if you don't want to change because you need that extra 30 minutes of sleep? Or maybe you're a parent, and I have heard this from a lot of parents, and I get this 'cause I like my mornings to myself, it's just maybe, like, 30 minutes to, like, sit with your coffee and nobody talking to you.

Right? Those are things you don't wanna change, and I think we have to be honest about that. Number one, understanding, yes, there is research to support it, but we don't really need research to support what we want to do. Here's where it gets a little dicey, my friends. Oftentimes, the things we don't want to change create an obstacle into some of our goals or the things we want to do.

Okay? So what I want you to think about is looking at the things you don't want to change and looking at your goals, and deciding, is this thing you don't wanna change an obstacle to your goal? And then decide which one is more important right now. You've gotta make that decision. Now, again, I talk about this a lot, my dislike of cooking.

However, I have a lot of digestive issues, and I would feel better if I cook. However, I do not want to change my downtime after seeing clients at work, sitting at my e- at, at my computer, getting all my emails done. Now, I don't wanna change that, and I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna be really honest with you Just like all of you guys, I've got a lot going on.

Okay? Going back to school while running two businesses is a lot for me. Maybe it's not a lot for you, but it's a lot for me. Now, I am someone who can get anxious when things pile up. I create piles. It makes my husband crazy. I have multiple junk drawers. And when that pile gets high enough, I just run through that pile and get it all done.

Some things that I do that people find weird is when I go on vacation, I pack specific outfits, I take a picture of the outfit, and I only pack exactly what I need. Why do I do that? Because the anxiety of having to choose clothes, stressful to me. The anxiety of choosing what to eat, stressful to me. The anxiety of knowing I have 10 emails I have to get back to, and these, the emails I'm talking about are, like, my students who ask questions, and I like to give detailed responses.

So those will stress me out if I know they're piling up. So to help me manage my nervous system and anxiety, I need that time to sit down and answer those emails every night. Now, could I use that time to cook? Yes. But having the emails over my head will create more stress than I think cooking my own dinner will solve right now.

Now, that might change. And I love when people are like, "Oh, just throw it in the Crockpot. Do X, Y, or Z." It's not just the actual cooking, it's the getting ingredients, figuring out what to do, all that cognitive load that I am using for other things. So to be honest, I don't want to change. I don't want to start cooking.

Do I wish my husband would cook more? Yeah, but he doesn't really love to cook either, so what am I gonna force him to do the thing I don't wanna do? Now, maybe at some point in my life, that might change, but right now it doesn't. So what I'm gonna commit to doing is stop complaining about my gut health if I don't start cooking.

Fair? Because a goal of mine is to kind of feel better, take better care of myself, eat better, not have two Oreo cookies for lunch. Ugh. However, I'm not willing to change how my day goes right now. So what are your non-negotiables? I had a client tell me yesterday she really wants to lose weight, but she refuses to change her diet.

And I kept my mouth shut, but I'm thinking that is entirely impossible. You cannot out-train a bad diet. Food is so important. And then she threw on me, like, "You should talk about eating healthy." And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not about me. We're talking about your goals here." I didn't say anything But what was interesting was she's like, "I don't want to change the way I eat."

And so my solution was, "Well, do you really eat that bad?" She's like, "No, but honestly, I don't wanna have to make a different meal than I make for my kids." And I was like, "Say more." She's like, "They love chicken tenders, these kind of things." And I was like, "Okay. So what if you just portion control a little bit differently?

Eat what you wanna eat, but just maybe put it on smaller plates." I think what's so interesting is I have, with celiac, I get full very fast, almost too fast, which is not healthy 'cause then I don't get enough nutrition. I am almost shocked when I s- not judging how much they eat, but that people don't feel full.

It doesn't make sense to me 'cause I feel that all the time. And I have a lot of clients who are hypermobile or a few of my clients that have honestly done everything to lose weight and can't. They don't feel full the same way I do. And if that's resonating with you, go back. I did an episode on weight loss and sensory and stuff like that.

Give it a listen 'cause it's super important. But anyway, so I said, "Well, if you don't wanna change what you eat, you like what you eat, and you don't wanna eat healthier, maybe just eat less." And she goes, "I feel like I could do that." And I was like, "All right. Cool." And it was like this kind of moment. Have you ever had this moment with friends or family where you can see a light bulb go off in someone's head, but it, like, although sends a light bulb off in my head because her just being like, "No, I do not want to change.

I wanna have french fries when I wanna have them." Like, just, like, doing that and then making a compromise. I was like, "Oh, I can do that, too." It was just so simple, but easy. And then when we really got down to it, I said to her, I'm like, "Man, cooking for kids must be stressful, especially with all their sporting events and different schedules."

And she's like, "Yeah. It's stressful, but it's something I have to do. I have to make sure my kids get fed." And I was like, "Wow." So her and I are kind of the same, except I don't have kids to feed, so hers is way bit more stressful. But it was like the feeding herself became the most stress. She was taking care of everybody else except herself.

I'm just gonna let that mic drop because if you heard what I said, here I am worrying so much about giving these big ex- explanation, taking the time to answer questions to my students. I was putting everybody's needs before the fact that I need to eat healthier. I will be honest, I am not in a place I want to change that right now.

Um, let's do this. Check in with me when I finish my doctorate, so in about like a year and a half. When I submit that dissertation, um, don't let me stress myself out about something else, and maybe I'll start cooking. I'm not committing to it, so... But just food for thought. Committing to what we actually don't wanna change, and lean into it.

Maybe questioning why we don't wanna change it because if you're listening to this and being like, "Nope, I'm not changing my one glass of wine a drink, uh, one glass of wine at night every night," well, my question always is, "Well, why do you need that one glass of wine? Is it become habit? Do you need it?"

Like, just those questions, and it might be like, "I just like to have a glass of wine. I don't need it." All right. You know, I'm not judging why you need it, but just asking yourself why you don't wanna change that. And for me, why I don't wanna change the 45 minutes I have during DoorDash is because if I don't answer those emails, I would not be a good teacher, and that has really high value to me, and it would give me a lot of anxiety.

And when my anxiety is high, I can't do anything really well. I kind of will shut down. Cool? So just question it, be honest with yourself, and move on. Which leads me to confession two, my friends We are going to have stress. We talked about this. Maybe you didn't like any of the strategies I gave in last episode.

Well, reach out. Tell me what, tell me what your day's like. I'll fit something in there for you. I love doing that. I love problem-solving. It's like my favorite thing to do. But how can you add one good thing into your life every single day and not overhaul everything? 'Cause when it comes to stress, it's like everybody's like, "All right.

I'm gonna meditate. I'm gonna exercise. I'm gonna eat healthy. I'm gonna do all these things. I'm gonna wake up 30 minutes earlier and go in the sun for 20 minutes." It's like, whoa, how about we not overhaul everything? What if we just add one good thing in every single day, non-negotiable? And it could be that list of things I gave you, um, last week.

When did I give it to you? Whenever you listened to the podcast, or if you didn't, go back and listen. Okay? What's one good thing you can do? Well, I mean, it could be as simple as calling your best friend, your mother, um, doing something nice for someone else, getting sun first thing in the morning, doing an eye exercise after you brush your teeth.

For me, before every workout, before every walk, I... Before every time I stand up, I do something interesting with my feet, connecting to the ground. My feet have always been my Achilles' heel, uh, pun intended, and I found it was so funny when I was teaching that little paper towel trick, um, I was teaching it in our Neuro Studio.

We do, um, this movement assessment every month for our patient subscribers, so they can join in, where I assess their movement or they can ask questions. And, um, one woman was, like, saying she had really bad sciatic pain. And she didn't really give any more detail, and she didn't wanna be on camera. So what I was like, "Okay, let's see how much sensation she has in her feet."

So I just did that paper towel thing in between the toes She unmuted and was like, "Oh my God, my sciatic pain is gone." Now, just knowing that, now it's not gone, gone, but now I know, it's like, oh, if that person reaches out again, I am going to say, "Hey, I know you've been doing all the hip exercises, but I think we really need to work on foot mapping," because it really helped her.

And the craziest thing, guys, is when I stood up after demonstrating it, I was like, oh my God, I feel so much more in my body. And it was two days after I got back from Australia. So it was a 26-hour journey home. United lost my luggage. I left my tiny little purse with my wallet and my passport in, on one of the flights.

I'm not kidding. Like, how stupid am I? And it's because I had to get one more flat white before I left Australia, so I had my little wallet purse out of my bag, and then when I had boarded the plane, they asked to see my passport, and then they yelled at me to get on the plane because I was running late.

I wasn't running late, my other flight was. So I didn't throw it back where it was supposed to be. Stupid, right? So I was so out of my body. Jet lagged, tired. Like jet lag from back, from Australia is like nothing I've ever experienced. It's like you feel like you're a different... It was like, I don't even know how to describe it.

I felt weird. Anyway, just doing that, I was like, "This is like the best I've felt in like months." Like I just... It was like somebody turned the light on. And I said, "You know what? I'm gonna commit to doing this every day for the next month." And it's funny. I forget, and then I do it, and I'm like, "Ugh, so much better."

It's helping me stay on my feet. So add one thing in, and I want you to write it down right now and commit to it. What is one thing you're gonna do? And do not pick two things. This is what I always say to my students, "Come over here. I'm gonna put my hand out. You gotta walk into it. I'm too tired to slap you.

Just walk right into it." Right? It's just one thing. Just one thing. Did you hear me? Just one thing. Okay? And I want you to report back. Tell me how it worked. And here is something that's super interesting. This kind of annoyed me. I love when research annoys me. It's like, when's about time to stretch? It's like the research is all over the place, mostly because neurological diversity.

But anyway, habit formation. Remember there was like a thing where it was like, oh, 21 days to build a habit? Well, um, w- uh, what... I said I would memorize the year, but I can't remember. Let me see if I... Did I write it down?

Oh, this study, it was by Lally et al., 2010. So they kind of debunked the famous 21 days to find a habit is not real. So the actual clinical research says it takes about an average of 66 days to form a habit, and this is where it gets more annoying. It could be anywhere from 18 to 250 days, depending on the person.

Seriously? 250 days, that's like nearly a year. Okay, not... Well, about 110 days short of a year, right? 360 days in a year. Anyway, but 250 days is a long time to build a habit, but it depends on the person. So everybody's timeline's gonna be different. So wha- when... For this one thing, let me just give you some tips, all right?

Tip number one: add it into something you do every single day, like brushing your teeth or getting dressed or putting on mascara or putting on your shoes to leave. So again, in my studio, I have those paper towels already organized and, um, in our living room. My husband's like, "Why are all these paper towels here?

Can I throw them out?" I was like, "No." Now I have them there. I take seven out So I have, and then I replenish it once every week. I know, nuts. Because, guys, if the paper towel is there... This is how lazy I am. This is embarr- it's not embarrassing, it's the truth. I sometimes am too lazy to get up off the couch, which is seven steps from the kitchen, to get a paper towel.

That's pathetic. However, if it's not right in front of me and easy, I'm not gonna do it. I am, like, the laziest active person you'll ever meet, okay? I'm kind of like my mom. We used to call my mom inertia, 'cause, like, when she was moving, there was nothing you could do to stop her. My girlfriend Cheryl calls her the Motrain, and when the Motrain is on the tracks, you better get out of the way 'cause she will just drive right over you, okay?

So when I'm going, I'm going, but when I'm stopped, oh my God, sometimes it takes, like, ah, to get me off the couch. So I s- do put the towels in places where I always am, where I do my Zooms with clients, and right next to this chair when I'm podcasting or when I'm doing my Zooms in my studio. I am literally in this chair every single day to either do a Zoom with a client or, you know, to do a lecture or something.

Brushing teeth is another great one, okay? I, uh, do my algae supplements. I have my nighttime ones upstairs and my daytime ones downstairs. I always forget to take the daytime ones. The nighttime ones I never forget to take because they are right next to my toothbrush. So I pop my little algae pills, and then I brush my teeth.

In the morning, they're in a shelf, and sometimes I forget to take them. How silly is that? They're, like, right there. I'm gonna change the spot. Maybe... I don't know. We'll figure it out. Anyway. Oh, maybe I should put the daytime ones next to the nighttime ones and do it before I brush my teeth in the morning.

I don't know why I didn't think of that. I thought to put them by my coffee would be more efficient. Look at, look at I'm learning something right now. Anyway, back to you all. So be honest and set yourself up for success. And question three is gonna tie this all together. Who is holding you accountable for all these changes?

I know. I always loved being my own boss because if I don't wanna do something, I don't wanna do it. Now, I have a business partner now, and I love her and love having a business partner because, like, honestly, there's some days I don't wanna come up with Instagram posts and social media. That's part of my job for the dura studio that I do.

But I have a business to run, and it not only affects me, it affects my partner. So, like, me not posting things on social media, it doesn't just affect me. So being accountable to my business partner helps keep me stay mot- keeps me motivated. Now, some interesting thing, I did a little deep dive on accountability, and this was interesting.

So this was just like a systematic review, so that means somebody didn't do new research. They went through a ton of different research and papers and kind of did a review on all of them. And Account-- an accountability partner kind of only really sticks when the person also believes you care. What, that you, excuse me, that you believe that that person actually cares, and they care what you think, vice versa.

So it has to be someone who will call you out, but that's someone you think is credible or you believe or trust. So just telling somebody the goal is enough. So me telling you guys, "Oh, after I finish my dissertation, I'm gonna cook more," that's not gonna hold me accountable. But, like, my sister, when I actually wanna be held accountable, I know I could ask my sister because she will, and I care.

I'm very close with my sister. I'm very lucky where I care what she thinks, and if I was like, "Hey, I need you to check in with me on this and help me out there," she would. Also, one of my best friends, Cheryl, she is someone who has always held me accountable, even in my 20s when I kind of was, you know, acting a fool.

She would be like, "Yo, what's the problem?" I am very lucky. I have girlfriends who hold me accountable, um, helped me be a better friend. Um, so accountability is important, but think about the person you're asking to hold you accountable really tells you how committed you are to the goal, right? So if you're gonna, like, just tell someone or, like, do it like that, like, maybe you're not really committed to the goal, and that is okay.

I say this to my students all the time. "Do you really wanna do that?" And if they even hesitate, I'm like, "What do you really wanna do?" "Well, I feel like I really have to d- I have to do this." "You don't have to do shit. Why do you have to do that?" "Well, I feel like I really need to sell that course because if I don't, someone will do it."

"Yeah, but you don't wanna do that. You don't have to do that shit." Do what you wanna do and what makes you're passionate about. I did an episode on what do you wanna be when you grow up. It, it came out of a conversation I had with these young kids that are about to go to college, but it's conversations I have with grown adults all the time because they're doing things they don't actually wanna do, right?

And I feel like if we're just honest with ourselves, God, it becomes so much easier. Right? It's so much easier to, like, write a course when you really wanna do it. And I found, um, like a student once asked me, she's like, "Can you do these lectures on blah, blah, blah?" And I was like, "Sure." And I did one, and I just didn't enjoy it.

I was like, "I don't feel like talking about this topic right now." Right? So let's tie everything together Number one, stress ain't going nowhere. We all have it in our lives, and a little bit of stress is good 'cause again, if we didn't have stress, financial stress or other things, we might not do anything, right?

Think if you had no bills to pay. Would that really motivate you to go to work and create new things and stay curious? I don't know. I think a lot of us would think... I'd like to think I'd stay curious, but I think I'd also get real lazy, and then I'd feel like shit about that, okay? So a little stress is good.

It pushes us. And stress is, in the body, it's what exercise d- does. It builds strength, endurance, resiliency. So stress is good to a certain level, but number one, our body needs to be in a place where it can support stress and let energy come in and out of our body as needed. I gave you three examples: one to anchor your head, one to test to see if your neck is stable when it needs to or if our movement throughout the day is disconnecting us, and one to help your feet connect to the earth.

Because I feel like everybody's telling us all to chill out, and then they're giving us these vague solutions. So if last week's episode was kinda hard to listen to, watch it on, um, what is it called? YouTube. I'm also gonna do some Instagram posts, um, just demonstrating exactly what I showed you 'cause I understand everybody learns differently.

So we've gotta put our body in a place that it can deal with stress, but we also have to, number one, be honest about what are the things that we don't wanna change in our life. Could that be adding more stress because we're fighting against it? Well, maybe don't fight against the things you don't wanna change.

Just don't change them. And trust me, you are going to change them when you have to. I can't remember who I told this story to. Maybe I told this in last week's podcast. I don't remember. My dad, he's actually on his way to my house right now to do Pilates. He now insists on coming twice a week. This is a man who never exercised a day in his life, who his ankle was on backwards three years ago 'cause he used to sprain it so much.

But he's like, "Ah, just get a cortisone shot. It'll be fine," to the point where my mother is like, "Stop telling her you're getting cortisone shots. Don't you see that angers her?" And I said, "It doesn't anger me. I understand that you wanna get a cortisone shot. You're in pain, but there's things that we could do to make your ankle not on backwards.

Hello." But he didn't wanna do it. And I said to him one day, "Obviously, your pain isn't bad enough 'cause I deal with people in a hell of a lot worse situation than you are, and guess what? They show up. They get pissed at me if I cancel on them." I have a client, I said, "Brian and I are taking a vacation the first week in August."

She was, like, mad at me. And I looked at her, and I go, "Seriously? I haven't had a vacation in, like, two years." "You were just in Australia." And I go And I, I called her. I, "Bitch, I wasn't not vacationing. I worked for 14 days straight." And she goes, "I know. I'm sorry. That was really mean of me. I just really look forward to our movement sessions together."

And I was like, "Thanks." But it was just so funny because people wanna do the things that make them feel better. So if my dad can make a change and exercise twice a week... And why does he exercise twice a week? Well, chemo killed all the muscle he had. His cancer is back, so this is the only thing that makes him feel a little better.

It's not gonna cure his cancer, but it's time we get to spend together and time he actually feels his muscles in strong. So the things you don't wanna change, commit to either not changing them or say, "Hey, when it gets bad enough, I will make that change." Could that be the worst advice ever? I don't know.

I don't care. I'm not your therapist. I'm just running a podcast asking questions. So to follow up on question one, what's one good thing you can add? So if I just gave you the worst advice to give you permission not to change what you don't wanna change, well, sorry. Let's add one good thing in. Maybe you do that paper towel on your foot.

Maybe you activate your neck. Maybe you do an eye exercise. Maybe you call someone you love. Maybe you laugh more. Maybe you dance every day. I don't know. Pick something, but just one. And last but not least, share these changes and goals with someone you love and respect, and who loves and respects you. If you want someone to hold you accountable, it has to be a two-way street, and you can't get mad when they hold you accountable.

So again, I'm not gonna ask my husband to hold me accountable for cooking. You know why? 'Cause I don't wanna actually cook, and if he does, I'm gonna get annoyed with him. I haven't asked my sister to hold me accountable 'cause I know she will, and what did we decide? I'm not ready to make that change yet.

Excuse me. And I want you all to know, if there's something you wanna change, reach out. Send me a DM. Send me a message. I will hold you accountable. It's kind of one of my superpowers. As some of my students say, they go, "Man, you get away with saying stuff to people that nobody else could say." I go, "I think it's the freckles."

But seriously, I am here to help and support you. It's something that brings me joy as well, not to boss you around, but to help you. So if I can hold you accountable, I am more than happy to. Please understand, I am not asking any of you to hold me accountable for cooking. And when I am ready, I will let you all know, because I all know, um, so many of my listeners I love and appreciate, and love how much you care about me, my family, my dogs.

It means the world to me. So between this week and last week- Let's lean in to stress a little bit more and help ourselves find solutions to help that stress just be jarred off our shoulders. Thanks, guys, and I'll see you on the next episode